It has been a year ago today that I miscarried the twins. For the last couple of days, I've thought about it off and on and was surprised that I could actually smile when I thought about the experience rather than bursting into tears. While there will always be a hole in my heart, I feel that each day, I get stronger by living life instead of dwelling on the tremendous pain caused by the miscarriage. It will be an experience I'll never forget but that doesn't necessarily mean it has to remain a sad one. And I'm also very thankful that it happened before the twins were born and not after, because then, it would have been so much more difficult and harder to bear.
I visited Christian and Christina's
Rememberance Page and it has really helped me knowing that I have a place to remember them. I found that when I was around my friends today, I wanted to mention the miscarriage but somehow, the urge to mention it wasn't as strong as it once was. I also don't want to make people feel uncomfortable when I talk about it.
I remember that for the first nine months or so, I was a wreck and wanted to talk about it with ANYBODY. However, now, I talk about it on occassion and it usually is in reference to the being pregnant part, not the miscarriage itself.
I had an odd thought a couple of days ago. I keep calling Austin "the baby" because I kept thinking of him as the last baby I had. But then the thought struck me that, no, I've had two other babies since him. They unfortunately died but I still had them. For a split second, it really depressed me and then I was able to smile and let the thought comfort me rather than hurt me.
For instance, can you imagine if they lived? Things would have definitely been a zoo around here because our "children in the household" population would have doubled in size. There would have been four children (age five and under) to get ready in the morning, to feed, to bathe, to put to sleep at night. Wow! That sounds overwhelming just to think about it.
God, in his infinite wisdom, has a purpose for everything. In this case, I have always been terrified that I would have a miscarriage on my third baby. The reason being that two of my aunts had miscarriages on their third babies due to blood clots and another aunt had a blood clot after delivering her second baby. I had one cousin by blood and one cousin by marriage that miscarried on their second babies as well. I feel like God has blessed me with two beautiful, wonderful sons and I couldn't be more happy. And by having the miscarriage, I am so sensitive to people who have lost children and I pray for them all the time. I guess you could say that I've become more of a prayer warrior after my miscarriage and that has to be good. God is saying to me "Don't worry about things you have no control over, just be happy where you are." For that, I am truly grateful.
Danny and Austin talk about having a new baby sibling all the time. They want one so badly, as do Kamal and I, so we will definitely be trying to have another one on down the road, maybe in another year or two. The kids will be so helpful by then and until then, I am so glad that I have them to talk to about babies.
